A change of perspective

Before I became a dance instructor, I used to think that standing on stage performing in front of hundreds of people was the best feeling in the world, and that really was part of the reason why I loved dancing so much. Even though I sometimes worked behind the scenes of a show (i.e. choreographing, overseeing schedules, etc.), I felt that there was nothing better than actually dancing on stage, and nothing could ever make me feel as happy. 

During the time I injured my ankle, my high school had this event they were organizing wherein they needed dancers to perform. I wanted to dance so badly, but couldn't have possibly done that because of my condition, so I ended up being the choreographer/person-in-charge of the group of performers. The event went really well—the dancers were even requested to perform at another school—and they hugged me afterward and said, "Thank you so much, Jenn! We couldn't have done it without you!" and I had mixed feelings right at that moment. On one hand, I was so very proud of them for nailing the performance, but on the other hand, I couldn't help but think, "I should have been the one standing on stage. It should have been me who got invited to perform." I know I wasn't supposed to think that way, but my mood just dropped further when one of my favorite teachers asked me, "Jennifer! Why didn't you perform today?" and that was just.....................ugh.

However, I can proudly say that ever since I started working as a choreographer/dance instructor, I have been able to deal with those feelings of jealousy and non-acceptance of not being able to dance on stage all the time all thanks to one little incident that happened in Easter time.

So what happened was...

My high school teacher asked me to help her sons and a few of their friends prepare for an Easter dance competition, which was something I had never done as I only taught normal classes before. The first day of class wasn't all too good, as only one of the students attended, but we made it work. I'm not going to lie, teaching the kids was kind of tough and frustrating on my part—at one point my teacher even offered to raise my pay to keep training them—but I just squared my shoulders and did my best. 

I always had this one thing in mind (and I still do to this day) that I got from my instructors back when I still attended a dance academy, which was "When it's time to dance, get serious or get lost; save the fun and games for when you're done with class." So when the students goofed off a lot during practice, I had such a hard time keeping my temper in check and taking control of myself, because as much as I was angry I had never ever laid a hand on any of my students and didn't ever want to do that, definitely not when their parents were watching the rehearsals—the most I did was raise my voice at them and made them practice over and over again, drilling them to get every single thing, down to the details, perfect.

By the third day or so of teaching the students, I had honestly given up all hopes of them winning the competition (again, I know I wasn't supposed to think that way, but you should've just gone to one session, and you'd understand how I felt), and I remember praying, "Lord, I don't even know what's going to happen to my students on the D-Day. I just want to pray to ask for strength to teach them, patience to deal with them, and most importantly, I want to ask to You to please watch over them on competition day so that they can do their best. It doesn't matter if they don't even reach the Top 5, please watch over them, Lord." because I was at such a loss.

Flash forward to competition day on Easter, I couldn't go see them because I had my own plans, so I spent the whole day thinking about how they did because none of them or their parents had notified me yet. By that point, I was still so hopeless, and I completely surrendered everything to God. Come nightfall, I received a text message from my teacher (shown above), that said, "Jennifer, thank you so much for helping the kids! They won first place at the competition! [she wrote something else that wasn't about the competition.]" and at that moment, I literally felt like I was high or something because my mind was all jumbled with the words "won," "competition," "first place." I was all "PRAISE AND REJOICE IN THE LORD! MY STUDENTS WON THE COMPETITION!" and I cannot even explain the feeling of immense joy I had because I was so proud of my students.

My teacher then told me that my students actually really liked the dance I choreographed for them, because she saw them practicing until late after I went home from every session. When she said that, I was all "Then why didn't the kids show that kind of enthusiasm when I was around?!" but I was also "I don't care if they didn't! They won the competition!" and that was honestly the first time I was able to accept not being able to perform all the time, and be totally fine with it!

What I'm trying to say is, I now realize that it sometimes feels so much better to be known as the choreographer who created a piece instead of always being recognized as a dancer on stage. It took me years to understand, but now I have no problem letting my students bask in the spotlight while I support them from backstage; I now see it as a way of letting them experience the exhilaration of dancing in front of tons of people, which was one of the many things that made me fall in love with dance in the first place. It's not such a bad thing, in my opinion. ;)

See you in the next post,

Jennifer W.

 

A rave about Pilates (and dance of course)!

***I am in no way sponsored by a Pilates studio or company or whatever to talk about all these things. The post you are about to read is entirely based off of my own experiences and the things that have happened to me ever since I started doing this exercise regime regularly.***

For those of you who don't know, I do Pilates aside from dancing; I've been doing it for about 4 or 5 years now, and the combination of Pilates + dancing is won-der-ful. 

As I mentioned in my previous post, I have tons of complications from sustaining multiple injuries because of dance, and Pilates really does help me recover! I think it's an especially fantastic work out (or therapy program) for dancers who get injured very easily—Martha Graham and George Balanchine did Pilates, if you were wondering—or want to strengthen their bodies for dance (I know it's helped me a lot in terms of flexibility, strength, and endurance). However, I am just speaking from my own experience, so I obviously have no idea if this will be suitable for everyone but I definitely think you should try it out :D 

My bow-and-arrow, 6 o'clock, and scorpion aren't perfect, I know. But doing Pilates really improved my flexibility, strength, and endurance so that I could actually go into those positions and hold it for longer :D

Pilates has helped in correcting my posture and bone structure, which is something I'm very thankful for. I used to have something called lordosis*, which is a type of spine curvature disorder, and to this day I don't know exactly what caused it—although I'm 95% sure it was because of dance—so my Pilates instructor always had me do (and she still does) a certain series of exercises to re-adjust my spine. Even after all these years, I can't say that my back is in perfect condition now because I think I first had this disorder when I was around 5 or 6 years old, I don't know. However, the posture of my spinal column has visibly improved, and it doesn't bother me as much anymore.

*Lordosis is a condition wherein the spinal cord curves inward too much, making it absolutely impossible for the person affected to slouch, even when he/she tries his/her hardest to. Although some people think it looks pretty, because this disorder does give the illusion of having a stronger back, in all actuality it is not, and it causes quite a bit of pain.  ._____.

Back when my lordosis was still at its peak, a lot of my friends used to compliment me for having such "great" posture because I literally wouldn't even slouch when I sat down for hours on end; some of them also asked me to teach them how to do it, and I would just reply, "What in the world are you talking about? This is not something I wanted." It was actually quite a pain in the a%# because, as I found out later on through Pilates, lordosis actually caused issues in other parts of my body structure that also contributed to more pains. My back is still unfortunately as straight and stiff as a board, but thank the Lord in Heaven it's getting better.

Aside from all of the things I mentioned above, and honestly speaking on a more vain note, doing Pilates (plus dance) really changed my body! I don't go on diets like Atkins, no gluten, eating clean, or veganism—the closest I've ever done to "diet" is restrict my junk food intake, and increase my vegetables and fruits consumption; I also don't eat chocolate and peanuts *cue sobbing (CHOCOLATEEEEEE T_____T)* anymore because they make me break out, but that's a whole other story—so I can safely say that dancing and doing Pilates regularly has changed my body so much. I've had to get rid of a lot of my jeans, skirts, and a few shirts because they became too big to wear, and I even had to alter the size of my dresses to make them smaller, which makes me happy because I've lost weight without even trying to. That's another reason why I think Pilates and dance make such a great combination :D

I dropped 3-4 sizes in jeans, possibly about 2-3 in tops, and maybe 2 in dresses.

I lost fat here and there, but gained muscle mass from working out, so I can't really talk about my weight change.

One of the benefits of doing Pilates and dance combined :D

In all honesty, even though I'm very happy with the physical changes I've seen on my body, the best part of working out in my opinion is getting to know the limits of my strength and endurance, and testing them over and over again to eventually surpass those boundaries. To me, there's something satisfying and almost addictive in getting to see my body being capable enough to withstand what I like to call "the legal form of physical torture" that is intermediate/aerial Pilates. I've said tons of great things about this form of exercise, but let's be honest here, no work out is ever easy. I've been doing quite a bit of aerial stunts in Pilates lately—my instructor especially loves to have me do it whenever somebody stops by to observe the class—and even though it is extreme muscle torture at its best, I always end up feeling so proud of myself because after years of training, my body has finally become strong enough to do stunts on the trapeze or Redcord ropes (that's exactly what it is: two or 4 ropes suspended from the ceiling for us to do stunts on). Of course, I always say a little prayer before doing these stunts: "Lord, please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall, please don't let me fall." and I repeat this over and over again until my feet land safely on the ground.

I just had Pilates class today, and one of the junior-rank instructors jokingly said, "Jenn, you're being tortured every single time you do Pilates, yet you still come for every session." Well, what can I say? I'm an over-achiever, and I like challenging myself in every way possible; Pilates is just one of those things that sparks my interest and motivates me to challenge my body in ways I've never done before aside from dancing :D

The bottom line is, Pilates has a lot of benefits (especially for dancers) and I fully encourage every one of you to try it out! For those of you who are new to working out, or want to try something new, don't be afraid to do this; Pilates has little risks and a ton of advantages! It's great for people who aren't huge fans of sports or going to the gym to weight-train, run on the treadmill, do the elliptical, etc. as well, because I know I have an aversion to those things. I'll be the first to admit that I am such a klutz when it comes to sports, and weight-training or doing the things people usually do at the gym bores me to death, so Pilates is a great option! All the best to all of you who will try :D

Much love,
Jennifer W.

Dance-related injuries

Before you proceed to the entry, let me set one thing straight: I am not a masochist. I do not enjoy pain in any form or any degree. Please keep that in mind as you read the entirety of this post.
Now that we've got that cleared up, let's get going!

There's honestly something very satisfying about getting injured because of dance—at least that's what I think. Of all the (roughly) 15 years I have been dancing, my bones, muscles, and joints have sustained quite a bit of damage because I tend to overwork them. I am a perfectionist, especially when it comes to my art, and that is (unfortunately) a trait that has landed me in more trouble than it has success. Because of my tendency to literally dance until I drop (or hear something crack), I now have:

• loose hip joints (my Pilates instructor tells me that she can actually hear my pelvic bones coming out of its socket sometimes *shudders*) 
• a dislocated ankle — I actually have no idea if it's still dislocated, but one physiotherapist said that my bone actually shifted or something.........I didn't ask her for more information because I was just that disgusted and scared.
• creaky knee joints 
• loose and creaky shoulder joints
• weak rear end

All of those fun things at the age of 19. Wow, I feel so young o____o

In spite of all of those minor (some of them were actually quite serious at some point, but I think they're okay now...) setbacks, my love for the art of dancing is still as strong as the first day I fell for it. Although my Pilates instructor always advises me against dancing too often because of blatantly obvious reasons (a.k.a. injuries and whatnot), I just can't seem to separate myself from it. I mean, how can a fish stay out of water and live? Cheesy, I know.

The longest time I was strictly told to stay away from dancing—or any kind of strenuous physical activity for that matter—was for 3 whole months when I dislocated my right ankle. There was a school event coming up during that time, and I was soooooooooo frustrated that I couldn't perform because of my ankle injury. I ended up being the choreographer for the performers, and even though it was fun, I still felt horrible for not being able to dance on stage. As I think of it now, I'm pretty sure I actually danced with my students at least once during rehearsals.......maybe that's why my ankle isn't completely healed yet even after a year. Oops.

Things haven't changed that much now, I still haven't learned my lesson even after all these years, and I sometimes get these random attacks of pain during or after dance classes or my regular workout sessions. I've pulled a muscle in my ribs at least four times, I once gave too much of my all in a workshop that I literally couldn't walk for the next few days, I have ugly scars and blisters from dancing in heels, and I just injured my right ankle again about a month or two ago. 

I personally see those "damages" as proof of how hard I worked my booty off to improve in my art. The bruises on my body are my battle scars—they symbolize how much blood, sweat, tears, time, and effort I poured into dancing. The way I see it is that I'm blessed enough to have a talent, and God has constantly been giving me all of these great opportunities and platforms to showcase my love and passion for dance, so why not go the extra mile and work hard to expand and deepen my horizon? No pain, no gain, right? 

Love,
Jennifer

PS: I have no idea whether or not this post is actually coherent, because, I kid you not, my mind was running all over the place the whole time I wrote this. I also don't feel like reading this entry just to proofread. If I managed to transition from one paragraph to another seamlessly, then good! If not, then I apologize, because I sometimes do jump from one topic to another when I talk in real life. Oh well.

An unexpectedly chill Saturday

I originally planned on filming another choreography or tutorial video in the studio today to post on Youtube, but my classes got cancelled last night. On one hand, I feel thankful because I can rest after a very intense intermediate/aerial Pilates class yesterday, and to top it all off, my wisdom teeth are growing out, so they're giving me quite a bit of pain. On the other hand though, I feel so unproductive today since I really wanted to record :(

Things have finally calmed down a bit after Super Show 5 in Jakarta (YES! I SAW SUPER JUNIOR LIVE!) and meeting Choi Siwon at Pacific Place, so I was really looking forward to resuming my classes and teaching more workshops. I'll admit that I was quite out of it when I practiced for my classes (read: I was so sluggish), but I felt genuinely excited to be back in the studio to teach! But these things happened.....oh well, I suppose I'll just have to wait until next week!

See you in the next post,
Jennifer